A couple married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married
again and had 7 more children. Her second husband died. She married
again and had 5 more children. Her third husband died. And, alas, she
finally died, too.
  
 
At her funeral and standing by her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He
thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re
finally together.”
  
 
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think
he means her first, second or third husband?”
 
  
 
The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

A plane is on its way to Cape Town when a blonde in Economy Class gets
up and moves to the First Class and sits down. The flight attendant
watches her do this and asks to see her ticket She then tells the
blonde passenger that she’s paid for Economy and that she will have to
go and sit in the back The blonde replies “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful,
I’m going to Cape town and I’m staying right here!”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and
she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde
replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Cape town and I’m
staying right here!”
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that
he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest
this blonde woman that won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married
to a blonde and I speak blonde!”

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says “Oh, I’m
sorry- I had no idea,” gets up and moves back to her seat in the
economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he
said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied “I told her First Class isn’t going to Cape Town”

A very VERY ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons.
A man asks her, “are they twins?”

Puzzled the woman replies, “no.. one is 3 years old and the other is
10.
why R u asking?”

The man replies: “no particular reason, I just can’t believe someone
fucked u twice”.

A guy picks up this pretty woman and

after a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her nightstand by the bed.He begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he
nervously asks.

No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend, then?” he continues.
“No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.
“Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires, hoping to be reassured
“No, no, no!!!” she answers, giggling
“Well then , who in the hell is he?”, he demands.

“That’s me before the surgery.

In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks,
“Teacher, can >>my momma get pregnant?”
The teacher asks, “How old is your mother?”
The little girl says, “Forty.”
The teacher says, “Yes, your mother could get pregnant.”
The little girl asks, “Can my big sister get pregnant?”
The teacher asks, “How old is your sister?”
The little girl answers, “Nineteen.”
The teacher says, “Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant.”
The little girl asks, “Can I get pregnant?”
The teacher asks, “How old are you?”
The little girl says, “I’m seven years!! Old.”
The teacher says, “No, you can’t get pregnant.”
The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, “See, I told you we had nothing to worry about.”

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.

Jack: “I want you to marry a girl of my choice “
Son : “I will choose my own bride!”
Jack: “But the girl is Bill Gate’s daughter.”
Son : “Well, in that case..ok”

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.

Jack: “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to marry!”
Jack: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case…ok”

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.”
President: “But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!”
Jack: “But this young man is Bill Gate’s son-in-law.”
President: “Ah, in that case…ok”

This is how business is done!!

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says,” Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each”. So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. “Pfufffff, and he was gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted “I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. “Pfufffff,and he was also gone. The boss calmly said, ” I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm” Lesson : “Always allow the bosses to speak first”

>”Hallo, Mr. Olmert!” a heavily accented voice said.
>”This is Abul Abed, down at the tea house in Beirut! I
>am callin` to tell ya dat we are officially declaring
>war on you, yes you!”
>
>”Well” Olmert replied, “This is indeed important news!
>How big is your army?”
>
>”Right now,” said Abul Abed, after a moments
>calculation “there is myself, my cousin Mustafa, me
>next-door-neighbor Abou khaled, and the whole team
>from the tea house. That makes eight!”
>
>Olmert paused. “I must tell you Abul Abed, that I have
>one million men in my army waiting to move on my
>command.”
>
>”Holy jeez,” said Abul Abed. “I`ll have to call ya
>back!”
>Sure enough, the next day, Abul Abed called again.
>”Mr. Olmert, the war is still on! We have managed to
>acquire some infantry equipment!”
>
>”And what equipment would that be Abul Abed?”, Olmert
>asked.
>”Well sir, we have two Mercedes 180, and a truck.”
>
>Olmert sighed. “I must tell you Abul Abed, that I have
>16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers.
>Also I`ve increased my army to one and a half million
>since we last spoke.”
>
>”Ya lateef”, said A Abul Abed, “I`ll be getting back
>to ya.”
>Sure enough, Abul Abed rang again the next day. “Mr.
>Olmert , the war is still on! We have managed to get
>ourselves airborne! We modified a helicopter with a
>couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four more
>neighbors have joined us as well!”
>
>Olmert was silent for a minute then cleared his
>throat. “I must tell you Abul Abed that I have 10,000
>bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex
>is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
>sites. And since we last spoke, I`ve increased my army
>to TWO MILLION!”
>
>”Lah lah lah lah,” said Abul Abed, “I`ll have to call
>you back.”
>
>Sure enough, Abul Abed called again the next day. “Mr.
>Olmert I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had
>to call off this war.”
>”I`m sorry to hear that” said Olmert. “Why the sudden
>change of heart?”
>
>”Well, sir,” said Abul Abed, “we`ve all sat ourselves
>down and had a long chat, and come to realize that
>there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
>
>LEBANESE CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

I just got my new Lexus RX400H car but had to return to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn’t figure out how the radio worked. 

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. “Watch this,” he said: “Nelson!” The Radio replied “Ricky or Willie?” “Willie!” He continued, and “On the Road Again” came from the speakers.

 I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say “Beethoven” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said “Beatles” I’d get one of their awesome songs.

 One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled “ASSHOLES!”
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