16 Things that it took me over 50 years to learn

16 Things that it took me over 50 years to learn:
      by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
  laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
  race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
  that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
  never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
  (I wish I had!)
7. Never lick a steak knife. 
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
  compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
  suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
  to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
  gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
  deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a
  nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never
  fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone
  amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the
Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . They start out
  as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them
  until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on
  breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky
  boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

Living in 2006

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when…

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice that there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

PSYCHO TEST

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.  This is not a trick question.  It is as it reads.    A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know.  She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be just that!  She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
A few days later, she killed her sister.  Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give this some thought before you answer).  SCROLL DOWN.
 
.

 
.
 
.
 
 
 
 
 
 
.
 
 
.
 
 
.
 
 
Answer:  She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. 
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.  Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.  If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.  If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list unless that will tick you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on.  Be sure to share the test.

God and Time!

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to
God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord, ” God, what does a million years mean
to you?”The Lord replies, “A minute.”

Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?” The Lord
replies, “A penny.”

Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

The Silent Treatment

A  man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each

other  the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,

he  would  need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business

flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he

wrote on a  piece  of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He

left it where he knew she would find  it.  The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and  he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife   hadn't  wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,   

"It  is 5:00 AM. Wake up."